Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
