just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
