I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
