Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
