drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
