Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
