I met the friendliest cop last night
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
this must be what syphilis tastes like
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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