The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
