It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
