dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
That reminds me...we need to get swords
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
