Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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