i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You left your phone here
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