I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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