A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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