I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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