why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
