dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
