So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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