We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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