I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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