She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
