remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
