The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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