Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
