fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
