I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
