i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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