I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
