I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
