Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
