before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
