I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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