i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
