Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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