How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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