Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
