did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
