I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
