I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We had sex on a dog bed..
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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