You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
