I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Randomize
