She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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