I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
