We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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