he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
