So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
