My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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