I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
