Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
