Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
