I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
