Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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